Dear foreign exchange students,

( Image London Evening Standard)

Dear foreign exchange students,

Welcome to London! I do hope you are enjoying our great capital and getting the most out of the city. I have the great pleasure of walking through the Royal park of St James twice a day, and when there I often bump in to groups of you. Whilst I am struck by the culturally rich tapestry of our fine city at these moments, I am also struck by one or two other things that I wish to discuss with you.

To begin with, I must say how very handsome you all are, with your uniform of sun tanned skin, low slung rucksacks, sunglasses and ludicrously tight jeans. But I’d rather you were more discreet in your groping of each others bottoms. There is more to London than the chance of an adolescent fondle on the back seat of your school bus, which by the way, happens to be parked obtrusively on the pavement.

Anyway. I do hope that you are enjoying taking photo’s of the now obese squirrels and pigeons that flourish during the summer period as groups identical to yours feed them incessantly. The signs clearly ask you not too, but we won’t get in to that, shall we? I have watched in wonderment at the bodily positions you will put yourselves in, in order to get close to a pigeon and have your picture taken with it. I have seen more of your g-strings as you crawl, coo, creep and cluck than I care to count. I gather that squirrels and pigeons simply dont exist in the rest of the world, so make sure you enjoy allowing the rabid pigeons and flea bitten squirrels to peck at your hands in search of food.

One small thing; I would really appreciate it if your idling group didn’t take up the whole pavement and/or path, thereby pushing me either to my death into the road, or into the muddy grass at the side of the park path. And, young man, it is not polite to bash my face with your rucksack accidentally and not apologise. It is even less polite to turn and laugh at my muddy shoes and the red mark on my face where it recently had contact with your ruck sack.

And lastly, perhaps some of you could share some self confidence tips with me? I thought your were school kids, but given the cocky way you stood in my way on the park path and grasped your p*nis at me, I fear I must have been mistaken. Please accept my apology, you are obviously someone extremely important.

And no, I don’t have time to take your photo because my train leaves in 7 minutes time and you have already bumped and bashed your way into me so many times that I am going to miss it, which will mean I wont have time for a run before dinner.

Good day.